Bad Movies - in brief

In order to decrease the amount of time that we waste on movies that aren't worth watching, we have instituted a new rule in the house. If the movie doesn't catch our attention after 30 minutes, it gets taken out. This has not only allowed us to play catch up on movies that we bought, thinking they looked interesting and just ended up collecting dust on the shelf - because kiddos - but it has also allowed us to start getting our movie collection down to just the good stuff.

These are the movies that didn't make the cut in the last week.


To start: The Witch also written as The VVitch (written with double V's on the movie case, but written everywhere else with appropriate spelling).

Unnecessary baby death scene, characters that were boring, unlikeable, and a generally dull movie overall. Basically, everyone hates their living conditions and turns on each other. Not worth anyone's time.

Next was Sicario, a movie that sounded like it had a really good plot. I actually saw trailers for this one (a rarity), and it looked good then as well. It lasted in the player for an hour (about half the movie). It kept building as though something was about to happen, and then it never would, which is why it got longer than the thirty minute mark. I could never have told you that Del Toro's character was an assassin. Found that one out after looking it up online. Granted, it could have been explained in the last half of the movie, but I was fed up with the female character who was supposedly recruited because she had skills, and then was nothing but a whiny baby who needed babysitting by her partner. Also - I could care less that she needed a new bra (mentioned three times in the first hour), or that she needed a shower, mentioned several times, or that she was letting herself go and needed to get her eyebrows done - that came in at the point where we cut it off. She served absolutely zero purpose and was a terribly unlikable character on all accounts. Made it not worth it.


The Forest was up next. It's an American made movie that really, really wanted to be in the same genre as the Japanese version of The Ring. It didn't make it. It didn't even make it 20 minutes. No plot development, one dimensional characters, and one cheap scare. The trailer looked great, but the movie had nothing going for it. There was zero reason to care about the characters, who were...again, rather whiny. What happened to Helen Mirren, Cate Blanchett style strong female characters? These women are just terrible. (Bought a used copy on Amazon - ended up being a rental copy, which the listing didn't mention - hence the weird case.)

 Synchronicity was next. The hope was for a new, good sci-fi drama, but the hopes for this movie were dashed. This movie should have a seizure warning on it; there are that many flashing lights right at the beginning - bright ones too. We gave this one 45 minutes, hoping it would get better, but it was plot hole after plot hole and a disappointing method of addressing the wormhole paradox. It wasn't real sci-fi. Very disappointing.

Next on the docket was Mickey's Christmas Carol. Yes, the old one. The one that was around when I was a kid. I got it, with the hope it would have been here by Christmas, to introduce the girls to it. I remember it being longer. It's only about 30 minutes. I remember it being easy to understand - damned if I can barely understand Donald Duck anymore, and they added new cartoons on for this release of the movie - which are blech. Sure there are some old ones - the ones that I remember from when I was a kid, ones that I thought were funny - but I couldn't understand Donald Duck anymore - the voice just grated on my ears. The little one wasn't a fan either. And they have a new cartoon added - one that was very disappointing for being Disney - the cartooning was a cross between Spongebob and Ren and Stimpy - so, terrible. All I could think was - I don't want this in my house - this cartoon is just vulgar. So away it goes too. 


Next up was Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Now, about five years ago, my sweetie and I went to a bar. Playing in that bar was this movie - toward the end. We said to ourselves, that looks terrible enough to be good, and we bought it. It's languished on the shelf ever since. Do NOT buy this movie. I cannot stress that enough. Within the first five minutes there's a scene where a woman is raped to death and it goes downhill from there, and we lasted a whole 10 minutes in. Within those first ten minutes are multiple rape and death scenes. It's garbage. This is trash that's not worth the material it's printed on. I cannot stress enough how lucky we were that the girls happened to be asleep when we gave this a try. Just no.

Next up was The Shallows. Now, I love a good B movie - Sharknado, Lake Placid, Bruce Campbell anything... etc. Cheese is one of my favorite kinds of movies. I also really enjoyed Jaws, so I had high hopes for this one. It should have been called "how a shark will never behave and the med school drop out who doesn't know basic first aid or survival skills, not even the kind they teach in freaking Girl Scouts" (and believe me - Girl Scouts don't get much). Unfortunately, that would have been too long of a title to fit on the movie. It also would have prevented people like me from buying it. We actually watched this one from start to finish going "it has to get better." Nope. It doesn't. It didn't. 

The final movie was Pain & Gain. Now, I enjoy Mark Wahlburg films and I enjoy films with The Rock. I thought this was going to be great fun. I felt like the movie was trying to sell religion. It had a good cast - a really good cast. It had all the elements of being a good movie. The execution was just terrible. We got as far as the kidnapping of the guy, and a little beyond that, and then stopped it. It just wasn't there. 

Now, I did all this at once because there's not much good to say about any of these. And because they're all going away and I wasn't just going to keep them sitting on my desk. We did manage a couple good ones during this marathon run, and those will be reviewed a bit later in the week. 


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